My eyes could not focus for quite a few seconds after I opened them. My vision cleared and simultaneously, an acute shot of pain in my temples made me squint hard. As I slowly came to my senses I could feel the pain surge through my body. It felt like finding things about yourself that you never knew existed.
It took me a minute to realize that I was lying by the road, at night. What time was it even? The cold was unforgiving. I had my jacket on, but my legs were frozen. Should not have worn a skirt. They were a little short for me. I was covered in dust. Which made me wonder how long I had been lying there.
Wait, Where was I?
How did I get here?
Wait.
WHO WAS I?
I couldn’t remember my own name. I checked my head for concussions but I looked fine. Then how did this happen? Drugs? Benzodiazepines? How did I know that word? I checked my arms for punctures. Nothing. Oral dosage, probably? Was I an addict or was this done to me?
I stood up and looked at my body. I was young. But not too young. I checked my pockets, almost sure that I wouldn’t find anything. I was wrong. I had a tiny purse in it. There was very little money, some coins, and a parking ticket.
October 16,1994,Tokyo.
So was I a twenty-something woman from Tokyo who knew about Benzodiazepines but not her own name? Great. I turned the ticket over and found a number scribbled on it.
Bingo! I walked out of the bushes onto the road. The highway seemed dead. Not a single vehicle? In Tokyo? How was that possible? I started walking and I saw lights in the distance. Looked like a convenience store. It probably was. I quickened my pace pulling my jacket into a tighter hug and clenched my teeth and the pain threatened to break me into pieces. I reached the store and considered if I should enter it. I decided I needed to drink something at least. I walked in and I saw an old woman behind the counter. I greeted her. She looked up and stared at me as horror crept into her face.
“Can I use the restroom?”I said
She just gaped at me. This was getting suspicious.
“I’ll buy water and some food” I smiled, “not for free”
She just pointed her wrinkly finger towards the back of the store visibly shaking. I rushed into the room, locked myself in and threw a glance towards the mirror.
My heart skipped a beat. My face was heavily disfigured. I had no idea whose face I was looking at. I checked the rest of my body and I looked fine. God! What am I? I got dressed and walked out trying not to look at the old woman. I walked into an aisle and picked up some water, some painkillers, and a scarf. I paid her and I asked her without making eye contact-
“How far is Tokyo?”
“8 kilometers”
“Why is the highway so deserted?”
“The government declared an Emergency?”
“What for?”
“They’re busting drug rackets. They’ve arrested a bunch of dealers. Gang wars and killings all over the city”
“Alright”
I started walking towards the door when I heard her croak “What happened to you?”
Without turning I said “Insect bite ” and walked away.
I exited the store and saw an NTT booth right outside. I pulled out the ticket with the number and I entered.
I dialed the number slowly. I also memorized it, just in case. The ringing began. I waited, excited. I was going to find some answers now.
“Hello ?” said a voice in English.
I said nothing.
“Who’s this?”It was a male voice. Sounded British.
How did I know English? I definitely looked Japanese from what I could make out in the mirror. I had no idea what to say.
“Who the hell is this?!”
Then I said the only word that I knew that night.
“Benzodiazepine”
There were many types of Benzodiazepines or Benzos. It was a long shot. All I heard was silence from the other side. A truck passed by.
“Where are you?” the voice said.
“I have no idea,” I said.
“I’m sorry all of this went wrong,” he said.
“What do I do now?”I said.
There was more silence. He didn’t know how to help me.
“Listen get back to base and we will figure this out” he spoke so fast “ I have to go now, They’re hunting us down.”.
“WAIT!”
All I heard was a click. I walked out, frustrated. Who’s hunting us down? And why? It suddenly struck me. The old lady’s words. They’re busting rackets. Arresting dealers. I didn’t like where this was going.
I ran back into the store. I heard police sirens. I looked back and saw three police cars speed past me. I remembered the truck that passed by while I was in the booth. An emergency had been declared. What was that trucking doing outside? I entered the store and saw that the old lady was staring at the television screen. A story on the drug racket was being broadcast.
A plastic surgeon had been arrested for apparently helping criminals change their appearances and identities. “Turn it off,” I said. I now remembered. I remembered who I was, What I was. Changed appearance. Drug-induced amnesia. I was trying to close a chapter of my life that would destroy me. But it clung to me like a sickness. She looked at me scared but didn’t do it. The next story was being broadcast now. The police had found the corpse of a teenage girl on the outskirts of Tokyo. Her clothes were missing. She was last seen wearing a brown jacket and a black skirt.
Her scared little eyes moved down my body. Looking at my Brown jacket and the black skirt that were too short for me. I wasn’t particularly fond of this part but sometimes, some things have to be done. Never leave a trace. The first rule I learned in the drug business. I picked up a butcher’s knife from the stand and looked her in the eye. “I’m sorry ”I bowed. She opened her mouth to scream but it never left her throat.
I wiped the blood off on my scarf and I ran my fingers all over my disfigured skin. I looked back at her lying in the pool of blood and quickly turned away. I had to get back to base. I had business to take care of.
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